The Hit List - I’m Down with EPT

I’m almost fifty and my normally reliable body has been quite wonky as of late. It’s the big “change of life” mode over here so things are not predictable.

This “not knowing what to expect” business is not easy for a control freak like me. If I could micro-manage this menopause thing, believe me, I would.

I also cannot micro-manage my husband.

So when I didn’t get a period weeks after a bottle of wine and one careless night of passion, I went into full blown panic mode.

I have never, ever missed one. Is this it? Menopause? Does it just stop like that?

Or…could I be pregnant?

Crap.

Now the real freak out began as every day I anxiously waited for a “sign” of something… anything.

And of course, my mind got real stupid, really fast.

I began scouring the web every night to see if it was possible for a woman of my age to conceive naturally. It was. And to add to my angst, I was sure to find all sorts of horror stories about the risks that came with pregnancy at this late stage.

I went from that to researching how to get my cycle rebooted: vitamin C, headstand, herbs, you name it. I thought about all that stuff while doing a headstand…and still nothing.

“But my eggs are rotten” I said to myself while kicking my legs up to the wall. “This just cannot happen.”

I had horrible visions of my sorry gray-haired ass pushing a stroller and wearing a maternity bra. NO NO NO. (Confession: I had one itty-bitty second where I mused on how cute our baby would be.)

I don’t have time for an infant. I barely have time for these asshole cats!

A baby at fifty? My dad was fifty when I was born. Think about that: he was born in 1915 and had me during the swinging 60’s. Talk about culture shock! What kind of generation gap would I have with this kid?

Fifty. I should be basking in my career, taking vacations, getting my AARP card, not changing diapers.

But I come from a long line of very fertile women. One grandmother had thirteen, the other had nine. We have a BIG family. And me? I got pregnant back in the day without a problem. My cycle was so regular, I was able to plan my children by astrology (not kidding).

All this ran through my head for weeks.

Along with even crazier stuff:

I began to wonder if I “manifested” this in some weird twist on the Law of Attraction. I had been bugging my kids to give me a grandkid. Had my wishing for a little grandbaby backfired on me?

And even more dumb: I started reasoning that the stupid Duggar woman hadn’t gotten pregnant in a while – we’re about the same age and she’s way more reckless than I am. If she’s not popping out any more kids, I probably wouldn’t, right?

I began making deals with myself: I’ll stop bugging my kids, be more careful, blah blah blah.

Yeah, it got a bit inane and insane over here.

But the biggie: I didn’t feel pregnant. Not one bit. I am body-conscious so I know when something is up inside.

I felt nothing. Zero pregnancy symptoms.

After weeks of all this fretting and speculating, my husband added his two cents: “Well, your breasts have never looked smaller.” Not sure if that was reassurance or an insult (Note to self: he’s been watching a lot of Scarlett Johannson stuff lately. Must check her breasts later.).

He also finally got sick of hearing me and sagely said: “why don’t you put your mind at ease and just take a test?”

So there I was last week, buying an EPT test. At almost fifty years old.

In the morning, I unwrapped the test with shaky hands and got busy getting my test happening, all the while cursing my body, the gods, my fruitful ancestors, the Duggars, etc…

The results came in two minutes later: negative. BRIGHT. No mistaking it – it was a definitive no. Whew.

I’m not pregnant – I’m just getting old.

Becoming an elder may sound like a not-so-great tradeoff but right now, I’ll take it!

I prefer positive tarot cards, not positive EPT tests!

Other stuff:

Fred Durst does not want you to confuse him with Robert Durst. And he’s doing something about it.

Very clever: The Poet Tarot & Guidebook. Wonder if it works for rap?

What would happen if young men read some of the mean tweets sent to women out loud? This.

Need an easy idea for an April Fools Joke? Here ya go.

Google wants your site to be mobile-friendly. The King of Pentacles over at the Game of Tarot Thrones has a tip for you.

Bummer news for Wisconsin: we lead in shrinking middle class.

I’m not only a tarot reader, I’m also a yogi. Learn about my secret wee studio in this interview over at the fabulous Yogipreneur podcast!

Are you a fan of the Wild Unknown Tarot? They have an app now! Get yours and get your tarot on, app-style!

I love James Altucher and really dig his post over at Positively Positive: The Ultimate Guide to Self-Sabotage.

Danielle LaPorte lays out how to set your standards and ethics with one simple question. Boom!

I keep on top of the news in my old NY hood over at EV Grieve. I was horrified to learn of the explosion on 2nd Ave this week.

Old pics of NY city squatters. I remember those days well when I worked at the anarchist newspaper!

Bernie Sanders spells out why we need to overturn Citizens United.

These women are powerful beyond measure: Acid attack victims post for a calendar to show their beauty to the world.

Do you get insomnia? Fast Company tells you how to turn it to your advantage.

How to eat healthy when you’re broke as sh*t. When I was broke, it was beans ‘n rice on constant rotation.

So into this: Hip-Hop’s New New York.

This is a great photo essay – I’m always intrigued with Russia. What does it mean to be Russian?

We’re talking about the beauty of the wise women years over at the Midlife Midwife Project with Lisa Briggs this week.

I want to hang out with Tim Gunn, every Sunday.

This is wise as hell advice from Melissa Caesura: It’s not how much you’re earning. It’s how much you’re keeping. <-Think about this advice the next time you hear someone bragging about their six figures and big “team”.

On my wish list: Kill City: Lower East Side Squatters 1992-2000.

I love Gretchen Rubin’s work and this may be a book to check out: Better Than Before: Mastering the Habits of Our Everyday Lives. Always looking to improve myself, yo.

I’m also eyeing up this new book from Dr. Barbara DeAngelis: Soul Shifts: Transformative Wisdom for Creating a Life of Authentic Awakening, Emotional Freedom & Practical Spirituality

What I’m Grateful For:

Red pens

A real day off

Frozen pizzas on busy days

Sweet emails from strangers

Dinner with friends

Road trips

Reliable children

Soundtrack for 3/28/15: Down with OPP by Naughty By Nature – might as well go old skool today in honor of my oldness: