Cover Your Ass-Trology with Monthly Astrological

Forecasts and Horoscopes!

APRIL 2024

Brace yourself – April is going to be a white-knuckled astrological roller coaster. Here’s what’s on tap:

Mercury retrogrades on the 1st, and foolishness begins. Delays, disruptions, drama, and technology trouble are all possible. Slow down, avoid impulse, and look for the exits when necessary. Above all, be patient. If you lose your cool, you might not be able to repair the damage.

The heat is turned up when Venus sashays into Aries on the 4th. If single, get in on the action with bold moves and big declarations. Chase or be chased! It’s all good fun. Partnered? Try new things. Shake up your bedroom routine! Keep in mind, Aries wants excitement. Boredom could set in, even with the best intentions. The grass may look aquamarine green on the other side, but is it really all that? As some like to say, FAFO.

The Solar Eclipse in Aries on the 8th promises to be a visual delight. It will be viewable across many parts of the States, so get out your eclipse glasses and watch it! (Psst..do NOT stare at the eclipse without ‘em! You could mess up your eyes!) Eclipses signal change, so be ready to adjust or let go. A relationship issue might hit a boiling point, and compromise is needed. Without it, a sudden ending could happen.

Everything starts to simmer down when the Sun saunters into chill Taurus on the 19th. Instead of fire, it’s earthy. Think: sensuality, beauty, comfort food, slow mornings, and pampering. This transit is also divine timing for artistic endeavors. Grab your paints, guitar, or whatever medium you like, and make something! The Sun leaves Taurus for free-spirited Gemini on May 20th.

Jupiter and Uranus will be conjunct in the earthy sign of Taurus on April 20th at 10:27 PM EDT, a rare conjunction that brings surprises and breakthroughs, especially in the realms of finances and creativity. Sudden good fortune, a windfall, or unexpected opportunity may come through. It’s also possible a door for travel or higher education might open out of the blue. Be ready to say yes! Jupiter is associated with expansion, while Uranus is disruption. Some situations around the world could reach a tipping point. This could mark the moment when something gains ground, pushing the collective in a new direction. Because it’s in Taurus, resistance from the old (wealthy) guard is possible. Even so, this day will feel like the catalyst for rebellion against the powers that wanna be. Oppressive organizations are about to feel the weight of the people who want to keep their freedoms – and expand them.

A Full Moon in Scorpio on the 23rd is best for rest. Take the day off and spend it in solitude. Look within, ponder your next move, and listen to your inner wisdom. You’ll emerge from this day refreshed and calm. This lunation is psychic AF. If you get a sign from the Universe, don’t ignore it.

Drumroll, please: Mercury is direct on the 25th! Yippee skippy! Everything will begin to roll forward after three weeks of aggravation and delays. Give it about a week – and soon, you’ll be cruising along.

Great news: Venus is in Taurus on the 29th. Venus rules Taurus, so she’s happy as a goddess on a half-shell! During these four weeks, romance gets earthy (and maybe dirty). It’s a sensual, sexy, and super affectionate time. Yum! Spend money on luxury items, pampering, fancy dinners, and art. This is also one of the best transits for weddings and engagements. Venus remains here until May 23rd.

More good news: Mars zips into Aries on the 30th. Because Mars rules Aries, it can operate on all cylinders. Get bold, try new things, let your ambition soar, and take risks. If you need to fight, you can find the courage to press on and win! Just watch your temper. It could be explosive during this period. A cool head will prevail – while a hot one will derail. Mars will be here until June 9th.

Get ready to rock 2024 with The Tarot Lady’s Ultra-Deluxe Superfly Astrology Guide for 2024!

Psst…If astrology leaves you confused AF, you need to get my book: Astrology For Real Life – A No B.S. Guide for the Astro-Curious. Available everywhere books are sold! 

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Annnndddd here’s your personal monthly horoscopes:

Aries:  April feels like a revolution, dear Aries. The Sun and Mercury are in your sign as the month arrives, which means the spotlight is trained on you (you love it). However, Mercury will be retrograde for three weeks, beginning on the 1st. Instead of your usual candor, you might prefer to keep your thoughts to yourself. Even if you aren’t spouting truth bombs, Venus in Aries on the 4th helps you win everyone over to your side. Yep, you have the charm factor to slip through Mercury retrograde with barely a scratch. The Solar Eclipse on the 8th sheers away the old version of you. You may be ready to debut a new look on that day. Or maybe the Universe is busy dissolving old stories, beliefs, and partnerships, revealing a shiny new YOU. You’ll feel lighter and brighter if something or someone gets eclipsed out of your life. Money talks when the Sun enters the earned income section of your chart on the 19th. Suddenly, you can attract more of the green stuff. Your bank account could grow fatter by next month. Also, the Jupiter-Uranus conjunction on the 20th could drop a new source of dough in your lap. Huzzah! Consolidate or pay off debts when the Full Moon in Scorpio shows up on the 23rd. It’s an ideal day for cleaning the financial decks once and for all. Mercury will station direct on the 25th, freeing your mouth to say what it wants. Remove your muzzle and speak up! More excellent money news: Venus will join the Sun on the 29th, another sweet aspect for making dough rise. However, you may be tempted to spend it as quickly as possible. Practice restraint if you want to avoid blowing through your stash. Lastly, your ruling planet, Mars, will be in your sign on the 20th. Your fire is officially lit – and you’re in your most brazen element. Let your ambition lead – and blaze those trails. You’re about to dominate this spring like the badass you are!

Gemini: Your career will be on fire this month, but friendships could end up on ice, dear Gemini. A cluster of planets in the reputation sector of your chart boosts your signal. You’ll be the brightest star at the office – so go ahead and work it! However, your ruling planet, Mercury is retrograde on the 1st, wreaking havoc in your social circle. Frenemies could emerge, or your habit of speaking without thinking could turn people off. You’ll need to step carefully if you want to avoid burnt bridges. Venus will soften the energy somewhat when she joins the Sun and Mercury on the 4th, but even so, it’s best not to take chances. The Solar Eclipse on the 8th reveals something you need to see about a particular pal. This could be a secret crush or a knife in your back. Whatever the case, this will change your relationship in a significant way. Enjoy quiet time when the Sun sets up shop in your 12th house on the 19th. Schedule a vacation to a secluded location. If you cannot, let your home become your fortress. Keep negativity out and protect your peace. The Jupiter-Uranus conjunction on the 20th is perfect for spiritual practices or therapy. Either one could bring a necessary breakthrough. Tune in and see what you discover about yourself! The Full Moon on the 23rd marks the end of a work situation. This could be the last day of an assignment, freeing you up for new ventures. On the 25th, Mercury will station direct, and your social life should improve soon after. Secret romances are possible when Venus slips into Taurus on the 29th. Has that crush turned into something more? Or has a new paramour entered the picture? Either way, this should add intrigue to your always-scintillating love life. Mars in Aries on the 30th means new activities with your besties. Now that spring is in session, you might be in the mood to emerge from your bat cave for some shenanigans!

Cancer: April brings career highlights and lows, dear Cancer. While the Sun promises accolades, Mercury retrograde on the 1st could find you saying all the wrong things at the wrong time. So, what’s a good crab to do? Be mindful. You’re in the spotlight, so it’s best to consider every word before opening your mouth. Thankfully, Venus helps launch a charm offensive when it sashays into Aries on the 4th. Even if you offend the masses, you can win them back with a heartfelt apology. Be especially careful with the Solar Eclipse on the 8th. The spotlight could be harsh that day. Remain on your best behavior. For some Cancers, this Eclipse could open up an exciting new opportunity. This could be a massive pivot – and a new path. Your social life perks up when the Sun heads into your 11th house on the 19th. Although you’re a homebody, it will be good for you to spend time with your besties. You can host a party or hit the dance floor with your friends when the Jupiter-Uranus conjunction shows up on the 20th. The vibe is fun – plus, new people may enter your orbit then. Defo circle that date – and party on! The Full Moon on the 23rd is fabulous for romance. Schedule a date night then – and let the magic unfold! Mercury is direct on the 25th, which means you can grab the mic again. Tongue-tied no more! Let ‘er rip! Wedding season arrives early when Venus enters Taurus on the 29th. A few friends might tie the knot – or maybe you’re the one saying, “I do.” Ambition soars the following day when Mars strolls into Aries. The work/social life balance is a challenge, but you’ll find a way to give both equal time. All in all, this month is cooking!

Leo: The itch to travel meets Mercury retrograde, dear Leo. What does that mean? Now that spring is in full bloom, you’re ready to shake off the winter blues. The urge to indulge your wanderlust is stronger than a can of Aqua Net. Still, Mercury retrograde wants you to hold your stallions until later in the month. The coast will be clear then. The first three weeks of the month are better suited for study, spiritual practices, and viewing the world from a cozy armchair instead. If you insist on a world tour, be patient. A few hold-ups are possible, testing your famous resolve. Thankfully, you can find grace when Venus saddles up next to Mercury on the 4th. This transit promises to help you find the best way to manage, no matter how hairy it gets. At the very least, you’ll have a nose for the closest wine bar. Serenity now! The Solar Eclipse on the 8th brings news from afar. A loved one may have an announcement, or you might receive an invite that’s too good to pass up. A few days later, your ruling planet, the Sun, takes a four-week spin through the career sector of your chart. Rewards and applause are on the way. More importantly, you can rise to prominence in your field. Do not be a shy kitten. You belong in that hot spot! The Jupiter-Uranus conjunction on April 20th signals a turning point in your career. Recognition, new opportunities, and fame are yours for the taking. If the spotlight turns to you, know you’ve earned every goody. (Psst..if you want to make a career-defining pivot, now is the time.) Situations with family calm down on the 23rd’s Full Moon. If you’ve been in a tiff with a loved one, closure is here at last. It’s also possible you could seal the deal on a new nest. If that is the case, hold off signing the contract until Mercury stations direct on the 25th. Suddenly, you’re good to go. Not just putting your Jane Hancock on the dotted line, but for travel! Nothing can hold you back from jetting off – unless you get distracted with fancy home decorating hijinks. Venus in Taurus on the 29th signals a glow-up, while Mars in Aries on the 30th gives the green light to see the world. Perhaps the world is also ready to see you, too?

Virgo: Relationships test your resolve this month, dear Virgo. Your patience will be threadbare with a loaded 7th house and Mercury retrograde as April arrives. You love to get your point across, but it’s best to be less sharp with your words. It could prevent a full-scale verbal jousting match. Venus will provide the solution when she sprints into Aires on the 4th: talk less, make love more. The Solar Eclipse on the 8th sheds new light on a financial situation. You may receive news that demands a bold decision. Or a fresh source of income might land in your lap, providing ease right before tax season. The temptation to blow your cash increases tenfold when the Sun sets sail for the travel sector of your chart on the 19th. If it’s been too long since you’ve taken a trip, book one soon. Jupiter and Uranus will be conjunct on the 20th – the ideal time to book your world tour! In other words, you can indulge your wanderlust…soon. The Full Moon on the 23rd would be splendid for a quickie road trip, but your traveling days will be best once Mercury is direct on the 25th. When that happens, you’re free to go as far as you want. Romantic travel could bring closeness when Venus joins the Sun on the 29th. If your relationship has been dicey, a second honeymoon might be the way to go. Single? Then get your skirt on and your flirt on! Mars in Aries on the 30th promises sexy escapades. Take a risk, get frisky, and let the sizzle get real! Remember: what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.

Libra: Relationships are your thing, dear Libra. This month feels like some partnerships will be put through a wringer, thanks to a busy 7th house and Mercury retrograde. Misunderstandings will crop up from time to time, testing your diplomacy skills. You’ll need to channel Jimmy Carter repeatedly if you want to soothe ruffled feathers. Venus will give your charm an upgrade when she strikes a pose in Aries on the 4th. You can take the initiative and win others to your side, provided you don’t pull the old passive-aggressive stunt. Keep it real, and love will keep y’all together. The Solar Eclipse on the 8th is a make-it-or-break-it-moment for a key relationship. Something may come to light that forces your hand. You hate making decisions, but this time requires a bold move. You’ll be glad you took control once the dust settles. Finances improve when the Sun rambles into your joint resources zone on the 19th. The following four weeks could reveal new income streams or power up a loved one’s situation. On the 20th, Jupiter and Uranus are conjunct in your house of shared income. A change in your partner’s revenue or tax break spells relief. WHEW! Money is looking up! More good news: the Full Moon on the 23rd brings fiscal relief. This could come in the form of a fat tax refund or the last payment on a bill. You’ll be able to breathe easier. Mercury direct on the 25th provides all the right words, which could put your essential relationships back on track. When your ruling planet, Venus, breezes into Taurus on the 29th, you’ll be in the mood for love – and retail therapy. However, Mars in Aries on the 30th is your official warning bell to add restraint. A slow hand (and wallet) will serve you well.

Scorpio: There has never been a better time to upgrade your habits, dear Scorpio. Mercury retrograde joins the Sun in your 6th house of health, the best combo to examine your routines. Are you getting enough rest? Is exercise part of your daily life – or are you in serious slacker mode? Look where you need to change it up, and you’ll see improvements soon. Make sure self-care is on the agenda when Venus edges into Aries on the 4th. There is nothing wrong with putting yourself first. In fact, it’s excellent for you! The Solar Eclipse on the 8th is terrific for starting a new healthcare regime. Suppose it’s been a minute since you’ve visited your healthcare practitioner. In that case, this is also your nudge to get your appointments on the schedule. This Eclipse could also bring a massive change to your work environment. Someone could be replaced, or a shift in management might be in the works soon. Expect an announcement around this date. Your focus moves to relationships when the Sun switches signs on the 19th. Dynamic partnerships are possible, so get ready to meet and greet. Also, the Jupiter-Uranus conjunction on the 20th promises to expand your circle of influence in exciting new ways. The people entering your world after this date could change your life! Yay! Your confidence increases when the Full Moon in Scorpio lights up the sky on the 23rd. If you were playing it safe, this lunation says: go big and show us! Mercury direct on the 25th means more meetings at work. Could this be the opening to negotiating a better position? Perhaps. You can get more aggressive when your ruling planet, Mars, enters the work scene on the 30th. Feel free to ask for what you want. You can get it. Speaking of that, Venus in your 7th house on the 29th helps you easily secure partnerships. If you’re going to make it official, May sets the stage for that to happen.

Sagittarius: Your romantic life is a mixed bag this month, dear Sagittarius. While the Sun brings heat, Mercury retrograde gets the words all wrong. You’re usually great with the flirt vibe, but this throws salt in your game. Venus helps sweeten your situation when she moves into Aries on the 4th. You’re willing to take risks to find love – but again…Mercury retrograde advises you to look before you leap. The Solar Eclipse on the 8th shakes it up further. A new paramour may appear out of the blue, or you may change your mind on a current flame. Please keep an open mind because nothing is what it seems around this day. The 19th puts the Sun into your work zone for a few weeks. You’ll have ample opportunities to impress the bigwigs, so hustle hard for that corner office. The Jupiter-Uranus conjunction on the 20th could put an exciting new offer on your radar. Is it time to ask the boss for more – or hit the exit for greener pastures? Something to think about! (Hint: go for the most profitable and exciting option.) Take a day off to rest on the 23rd’s Full Moon. Contemplate your next career and love moves. Mercury will be direct two days later, and you’ll be ready to pounce! Love at the office is possible when Venus joins the Sun on the 29th. Mars in Aries on the 30th adds a dash of aggression. In short, you’ll be well-positioned to get what you want at work and love. Don’t hold back! Your boldness will pay off handsomely.

Capricorn: April puts the spotlight on home and family, dear Capricorn. The Aries Sun gives you the reins to direct all comings and goings. But Mercury retrograde promises to keep tension high. Loved ones test your stoic nature while unexpected home repairs command your time. It’s tough, but so are you. The best plan is to muscle through and find moments of rest when you can. You may be tempted to redecorate when Venus enters the domestic sector of your chart on the 4th. A word of caution: wait until Mercury is direct on the 25th. Once that happens, you can proceed. If you decide to go all in before then, your budget could get tighter than a Gaultier corset laced all the way. The Solar Eclipse on the 8th brings important news about a family member. Whatever the announcement, it will shake things up for some time. On the 19th, the Sun sashays into your romance zone, adding sensuous vibes to your spring. Long nights under the stars, deep conversations over luxe meals, and plenty of affection melt your heart. The Jupiter-Uranus conjunction on the 20th takes a relationship to a new level – or brings an exciting newcomer. Could this be the one? Give it time and see what develops. A wonderful evening for a date night: the Full Moon on the 23rd. Do something special to celebrate your relationship. Single Capricorns can begin their search for Mr/Ms Right as well. Mercury direct on the 25th loosens up the tension on the home front, while Venus in Taurus on the 29th amps up the love juice. Now we’re talking! However, keep an eye on Mars, which tours your 4th house for a few weeks beginning on the 30th. It can give you the gumption to finish those home improvement projects, but it could also open the door to new power plays with your family.

Aquarius: If you must travel this month, bring a bottle of Pepto-Bismal, dear Aquarius. Mercury is retrograde, an aspect known for snarling traffic and creating delays. It hangs around until the 25th, plenty of time to test your legendary cool head. Thankfully, Venus in your 3rd house on the 4th helps you make the most out of any situation. You can charm the airline staff, talk your way out of speeding tickets, and get people to help you if you’re stuck. The Solar Eclipse on the 8th is your mental reset button. If you have been hung up on an old mindset, you can let that go – and replace it with new, positive thinking. Yay! Home is where your heart is once the Sun settles into Taurus on the 19th. Suddenly, you’re ready to put your feet up on your favorite space on the couch and call it a month. Over the next four weeks, time spent with family or your favorite cat will ground you, especially if travel has worn you down. The Jupiter-Uranus conjunction on the 20th might be the right time to begin renovations. If you want a new pad, you might stumble upon the perfect property around this day. Should you buy it? Well…say yes, but wait until Mercury is direct on the 25th before signing that contract. The Full Moon on the 23rd reveals a career opportunity that could change your direction. Should you take it? That depends on what feels right. Trust your gut to make the right decision. Mercury direct on the 25th eases mental and travel tension. Relief at last! Find the balance between resting at home and hitting the trails when Venus enters Taurus on the 29th, followed by Mars in Aries the next day. Mix up your May with short getaways and long stretches puttering around the house. A perfect Spring blend!

Pisces: A cluster of planets in your sign as the month begins puts pep in every step, dear Pisces. However, Mercury retrograde could trip you up, especially when it comes to your cash flow. Unexpected expenses, stupid purchases, and flakiness could find your resources depleted. Shore them up with a strict budget. Miser mode will keep you out of trouble. Venus will help attract more money when she enters Aries on the 4th. Even so, the temptation to splurge could push you to empty your pockets. Maddening. The Solar Eclipse on the 8th could get your attention with a new money-making scheme or sky-high bill. Avoid making financial decisions around that day. Give it a few before you say yes or attempt to negotiate. Your mood improves when the Sun shimmies into your 3rd house on the 19th. Now you’re ready to get out and play. Travel is appealing, too. Jupiter-Uranus conjunct on the 20th reveals exciting and unexpected travel opportunities. A world tour? Cross-country excursion in a van? Or a fast road trip to the city next door? Yes, please. That Full Moon on the 23rd might be the ideal time for an escape! Two days later, Mercury is direct, so go ahead and test your luck with a spring vacay. Venus adds sweetness to your adventures when she joins the Sun on the 29th. But Mars in Aries on the 30th pushes you to burn through your dough like a pyromaniac. Look for ways to enjoy yourself on the cheap, or May will put you on a hamster’s wheel of fiscal catch-up. That’s no fun!

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