A few weeks ago, I was tuned in with a gaggle of other listeners to the latest Woke Up Knowing experience with Dyana Valentine. Now, for those of you who are not in the know, Dyana is a wicked cool oracle, dream genius and business strategist. (You’ll want to follow her everywhere. Go here and here and here.)
As usual, she was bending our brains and pulling out insights left and right when she suddenly laid this very simple question on us: Who Do You Think You Are?
My brain went thud. Silent. And then I felt a panicky sensation in my heart chakra.
That little question brought up a surge of fear and old childhood stories that I thought I had gotten past. Not so it seems. Funny how that old crap lingers in those dark spaces only to emerge when you think you’ve got it all down.
Who do you think you are?
I remember that statement coming from my parents. And this was not a one-off. This was a question shoved at me with an accusatory sneer on occasions when I shone most brightly academically and artistically.
I was a precocious child and could read by the time I was two. In elementary school, I excelled with straight A’s and teacher pet status in many of my classes. But rather than this being a source of pride for my parents, there was a problem. My siblings didn’t do as well and weren’t as interested in the nerdy stuff I was. To make matters worse, my older brother was held back a year, which meant my entire school life was with him in the same classes.
Me in the advanced groups. Him in the special ed ones. Same room. Talk about uncomfortable – especially in Junior High when kids seem to notice those things with frightening clarity and humility.
My parents did not want me to outshine or “get a big head”. So many of my accomplishments were met with little fan fare. If I was “acting too big”, I’d hear that statement. Or this: “You think you’re better than us.” Sayings like that took the joy out of my achievements.
After a while, it was pointless to celebrate any of my successes. Which lead to me downplaying how well I was really doing. And that still shows up in my world to this day.
For example, I will often sheepishly brush off compliments. I resist the urge to step into the spotlight. I hide. And I am often more excited for someone else’s wins rather than my own.
And this is not cool. Not any longer. This mindset has prevented me from enjoying the thrill of a victory or the excitement of financial success. It has held me back from receiving the abundance that I am due.
Since that phone call with Dyana, I’ve been doing a lot of meditating on this, which has opened up more questions. Who do I think I am? How do other people see me? Who am I? What would happen if I owned my greatness and celebrated my self? What do I need to do to get there?
I decided to do a tarot spread based on those questions. Here are my findings:
Who do I think I am? Knight of Swords: this card shows a man in armor, riding into battle. This indicates that perhaps I see myself as a person at war. What am I fighting? Perhaps I am fighting myself here? Why the need for protective armor? This is the strong warrior ready to cut off the head of the hyrda. (Interesting because I am actually a type B personality and quite introverted. I hate conflict.) This also suggests that I may feel that I have to gear up for battle when it comes to expressing who I am or when honoring my self and my accomplishments. I see it as a battle because that ability had been suppressed through my childhood conditioning – I had to fight to get recognition.
How do other people see me? The Star: now, this is interesting. Unlike the Knight of Swords, the figure in the card is naked, without any sort of protection. Her arms are open and she is pouring water from two vessels. This suggests that people see me as vulnerable, open, optimistic, spiritual and balanced. The Star also indicates that I make others feel good about themselves by brining a fresh, healing perspective to their lives. I am often a light after darkness.
Who am I? The Fool: I am a risk taker who is open to life. I love life and live it with gusto. In my real world, everything is a grand adventure (unlike my mind which is prepared for war). I am unconventional, marching to the beat of my own drummer. The baggage is behind me – I am free. I am one with all and beholden to none.
What would happen if I owned my greatness and celebrated my self? 3 of Cups: my life would be a constant party with celebrations galore because there is already a body of work to admire – and more reasons to rejoice coming in the future. (Cue “Party Rock Anthem” by LMFAO.)
What do I need to do to get there? Queen of Wands: unlike the Knight of Swords, the Queen sits in her full glory. She is confident and aware and she “owns it”. Her open legs symbolize her raw power. All I need to do is simply BE. Own my power. Be who I am and relish in the person I have been, am right now and will become in the future.
I am a powerful woman, free and open, shining a light of truth and hope to others. I am here to heal, to inspire, to love and to enjoy the abundance of my life. That’s who I think I am.
“I am not eccentric. It’s just that I am more alive than most people. I am an unpopular electric eel set in a pond of goldfish.” ~ Dame Edith Sitwell
Who do you think you are? I’d love to hear your story in the comment section below.
© Theresa Reed | The Tarot Lady 2012