Monsters Among Us

Recently I was watching the documentary “Catfish,” a film that chronicles a young man who falls in love with a beautiful woman he meets online.  He travels to meet her only to discover that he’s been duped by a doughy middle aged pathological liar who continues to lie even after being confronted with the fact that the young man knows the truth.

In that story the young man forgives her. She takes down all her false online profiles and starts fresh as her real self. Unfortunately, in the world of online scam artists this is a rare and unlikely outcome.

Nonetheless this story was remarkably reminiscent of real world events in our own community. Yes, we have Monsters among us. I’ve personally had experience dealing with one of our own “catfish.” Fortunately, I have a Class A Bullshit Detector built in and could easily extricate myself from the situation quickly, quietly and cleanly.  But I still wonder about those who may be more innocent and less savvy to the types of wolves and highwaymen that prowl the web.

The online world is a strange place….often you see people acting out in ways they probably would not act in real life.  In polite society, we are caring about each other, we speak tactfully and mindfully, we protect our elders and we act out of integrity.

But online it can be more like the Wild Wild West. Bullies humiliate others and destroy careers and opportunities for their gentler, less outspoken victims; reputations are destroyed by cruel whisper campaigns; great ideas are stolen and sold at a pittance by scammers who will do anything for a buck; and pathological liars rob people of a sense of trust. To see this outrageous behavior in a so-called “spiritual community” is particularly worrisome.

There are plenty of guidelines for the consumer on how to not get ripped off by psychic scam artists – but what if you work side by side with these people? What if they are floating around in your community, polluting an otherwise peaceful vibration with their toxic behavior?

Do we coexist and simply ignore it?  ( i.e. Mind our own business/karma….)

Or do we take a stand and insist that people treat each other – and this work – with a more dignified and honorable manner?

What do you do about colleagues that practice extremely deceptive or cruel personal politics?   The more I pondered this, the more questions arose.

If we do nothing, we may be enabling the bad behavior to continue.  By shutting our mouths and turning a blind eye, are we tacitly endorsing the crowd declaring the grandness of the “Emperor’s New Clothes?”  I’m sure many of us would prefer to be more “Zen”, remain quietly in our own worlds and not become involved in any of this. But is it always truly being Zen or is that just a convenient excuse for cowardice, apathy and/or inaction? The need for honest introspection is an ongoing process and there are no easy answers.

Unfortunately, there may not be a lot that can be done overtly for several reasons.

One, it leads to bureaucracy and that opens up a whole other set of problems.  Secondly, who wants be responsible for policing the community?   (I sure don’t.)

Also, confrontation can make a situation worse, particularly in the case of a bully.Often this enrages them and they escalate their attacks, which then leads to full scale never-ending war of words. In fact this is often exactly what they may be looking for because it satisfies their need for aggressive and confrontational energy. In some cases, this approach can lead to more drama for the victim than the offender.

Fronting out a fraud can also lead to mixed results – they often simply slink off, morph into a different guise and suck up to a new group of victims, hopping from group to group and preying on the naive.  I know of one person who valiantly outed a fraud and the perpetrator simply played the victim to anyone who would listen, waited until the heat died down and then moved on to a different tribe.

I’ve spoken to a few people who have been prey to these types of people and one person told me that “It felt like being gut kicked… sucker punched… targeted for mugging and pillaging… like coming home to find your house ransacked and precious things stolen.”  And when they received little support from fellow readers they remarked that they felt “disenfranchised from the Tarot Community.”

We’ve unwittingly ended up in a Catch 22: paralyzed and outraged at the bad behavior….but unable to do a darn thing about it.  Some people end up hurt (personally and professionally).  Some withdraw entirely from online tarot groups out of fear of being attacked.  And some continue to enable the perpetrators.

I’ve asked myself this: if this was my child, would I condone mean spirited or dishonest behavior? What about my spouse?  Would that be okay with me?

And the answer is NO. So if this behavior is not acceptable for your children or spouse, then why should we give a free pass to colleagues – or complete strangers?

The first thing that we need to consider is the personal example that we are setting in our community.  And that starts with examining our own behavior and mindset.

If you yourself are consistently being cruel, manipulative, deceptive or nasty – it’s time to look at the reasons/motives/emotions behind your actions. And then work to change it.  Set the example.  Apologize.  Rise above your own crapulence.

Start with YOU.  If each of us is mindful of our own actions, we are going to be in a better position to deal with any negativity in our community.

And then before you point a finger at a colleague, take a moment to step back and watch. On occasion, we can all make a gaffe (everyone has a bad day, right?).  Snarky online comments can be interpreted as bullying.  An offhand remark could be misconstrued.  People might embellish at times.  And someone’s writing may be eerily similar to someone else’s (and this can be a totally innocent coincidence).

Slip ups do happen as no one is perfect or immune from poor behavior.  A rare faux pas is forgivable – a continuous pattern of bad behavior is another thing.

For example, consider the person who constantly belittles or humiliates others in an online forum.  If someone is consistently engaging in online attacks, then it’s no longer snark – it’s abuse.  Period.

The person who uses a false identity and tells outrageous lies crosses an ethical line personally, morally and professionally – and brings shame to their community.  (Remember Milli Vanilli?)

A copycat who regularly lifts blog posts, taglines and ideas is stepping into treacherous waters.  (Imitation may be a form a flattery – but a pale imitation of someone else’s work starts to dip into plagiarism….)

A gossip who shares intimate knowledge of readings, private information or particular products purchased and used, betrays client confidentiality. (Beware when you hear these things from the mouths of your colleagues, for if they feel so free with sharing details and speculation on the lives of others with you, you can rest assured that it is pretty likely that they will gladly share your information just as easily with others.)

When you witness someone else engaging in these or other disruptive, unprofessional or negative practices, you still have a few good choices.

1. Breathe!  Take some time to cool down before responding in a knee jerk fashion. When you can calmly analyze the full scope of an action and its potential consequences (without anger or fear) you are in a much better place to assess the actual potential impact of that behavior, and better determine whether it is even worth pouring any energy into at all. No one wants to be taken by surprise in an online scam or attack, yet we can’t go running to the bomb shelter every time someone drops a shoe. Find your center, your truth and your best nature and operate from there.
2. Take  a moment to try to find compassion for the person who is doing the nasty behavior.  A bully, for example, is often very scared underneath their bravado. They act out to try to feel powerful. A liar may have self esteem issues and may be trying to impress others.  And a seeming con artist may be a desperate person who is trying whatever they can to feed their family.  Although we cannot pretend to be psychiatrists who can understand a person’s inner workings, if we put ourselves in their shoes, perhaps we can find some sort of empathy for their conduct.  This does not mean we excuse the actions – we simply try to be mindful and kind before we ourselves take an action.
3. Discuss your concerns privately with the perpetrator.  I find this to be effective in most cases.  When someone has done something that caused me to raise an eyebrow, I have taken it up with them behind the scenes.  This allows them to save face and hopefully, make amends.  (For a particularly nasty person, this may be a waste of energy but I still recommend trying this tactic.)
4. Confront.  Unfortunately, confrontation as I stated above – especially in the case of a bully – will often lead to escalated attacks. An aggressive person may act out publicly in an attempt to humiliate their victim further – and they will usually bring a few other bullies with them.  Is this worth it?  Probably not.   If you are going to go into an all-out war with someone, it is best to have your own support system because you are probably going to need it.  A better way to confront would be for a group of people to send a strong signal asking the person to stop – but this must still be handled delicately, with tact and diplomacy or you risk looking like (or becoming) a bully yourself.
5. Speak with your wallet.  Don’t patronize their business, buy their products, refer other clients to them.  This is probably one of the more effective ways to deal with someone who is poisonous to their community.  A boycott is a very powerful tool.
6. Speak with your silence.  Sometimes the best path is to simply walk away and disengage completely.  Don’t interact. Do not hang on in the vain hope that they will change.  Send a strong message that you will not be an enabler by putting up a boundary.  If that risks other people not liking you, so be it.  Remember this: if you lie down with dogs, you get up with fleas.  A man IS judged by the company he keeps and if someone engages in dishonest, mean spirited or unethical behavior, then allowing that person to continue to float around in your world may send a message that you think on some level that this is acceptable.
7. Support the victims. This is the MOST important thing you can do.  Often when someone is being treated poorly, they feel isolated.  Reach out in whatever way you can. Whether that be through a private email or standing up for them in a public forum, do it.  Don’t let them be attacked or silenced by a louder, more aggressive foe.

I realize in writing this post that I may have no concrete answers.  Perhaps it is time for all of us in our community to open up a dialogue and to try and find a positive, proactive and mindful way to handle this issue.

Although the people that engage in negative behavior are the minority, they seem to leave a damaging trail in their wake.  We may not be able to stop that completely – but if we bring it out into the light of day and discuss the issue, we may just be able to contain it to a rare isolated incident.

“I’m a reflection of the community.”  ~ Tupac Shakur

Blessings!

Theresa

https://www.thetarotlady.com

Have you dealt with trolls or witnessed bullying or worse in your online community?  How did you deal with it?  What do you think is a better way of handling situations like this?  Please share your thoughts in the comment section below: