The Hit List - Waiting Room

I’ve become better at waiting. That doesn’t mean I’ve perfected patience. I doubt that day will ever come. I’m way too fidgety for that (my family likes to remind me that I’m also too uptight to actually be patient). Despite these character defects, charming as they may be, I’m less bothered when I’m forced to slow down than I used to be.

Traffic jam? Aggravating. But it’s also an opportunity to daydream. Standing in line is less excruciating with good shoes and discreet breathing practices. It seems my life is a series of standing in lines – the ideal time to practice mindfulness. And waiting to hear from someone? I stay busy with other shit. Most of the time, when I’m held up for whatever reason, it becomes an opportunity to study my surroundings. This may be a writer thing, but I enjoy scouring every inch of a location with my eyes, taking it all in for no reason at all.

Doctors’ offices, once my most dreaded place to be, have now become a place to observe. I’m not trying to memorize the waiting room. Instead, I am searching for a reason not to hate being there.

I might notice the freshly vacuumed carpet, the soft lighting, the stack of blue disposable masks with the sign suggesting taking no more than one, the kind but exasperated look on the intake person’s face, the woman with the oxygen tank slowly easing into a chair by the gigantic windows overlooking the lake, or the various exit signs reminding me that the visit isn’t permanent.

Every time I return, which is more often than I care to count, I look to see what I remember and what I don’t. It kills time and distracts my busy brain better than doomscrolling.

As I observe all the things, my anxiety begins to flee, replaced by something else. I wouldn’t call it calm because doctor offices never give me that vibe. It’s not even resignation. Instead, it’s presence. A reminder that I’m still here, still existing, still noticing.

Still waiting.

Theresa

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