The Hit List - Cat Jacking

My daughter is a word nerd who loves to teach me lingo that I need to know. This week, she enlightened me about “mommyjacking”, a term given when “an enthusiastic mother turns someone else’s status update into their own personal baby-talk forum.”

Confession time: I am a notorious cat jacker.

I hijack every situation and turn it into a random discussion about my cats.

Examples:

You’re giving me the story about your grandpa’s funeral? Let me tell you about the time my #1 cat Sparkle decided to check out – on my daughter’s birthday (PS they hated each other’s guts.).

In a boring phone conversation? I quickly (and smoothly) transition into a discussion about the cats, which usually bores the bore and gets me out of that exchange (Note: these jerks are often doing some bullshit in the background, which makes me have to talk about them. They hate it when I’m on the phone. Especially if I’m gabbing with someone that they think is uninteresting.).

I constantly post pictures of my cats on my social media networks (Note: when some stuffy intellectuals bitch about “people who post cat pictures”, I post more for good measure).

I force my husband to turn away from his work because I want him to look at the cat grooming or sleeping (Why on earth does he need to watch a cat licking his butt for the millionth time? He doesn’t. But that doesn’t stop me from pointing it out.).

You don’t have a cat? No problem – hang around with me for a while and you’ll have an intimate knowledge of every move my cats make. Come over to my house once and soon you’ll be assigned the role of official cat petter. I insist. No, really…I do.

I “give” my cat voices, which they then use to rap. They even have rapper names (Puff Belly and Mice T).

If someone doesn’t like my cats, I take it VERY personally. (So do the cats. They are narcissists.)

Everything becomes “all about the cats”.

It’s like I’m one of those icky helicopter moms…but worse. Ten times worse.

Am I addicted to these cats? Do I have OCD (Obsessive Cat Disorder)?

I’m beginning to think I need help. Not sure if there are clinics devoted to cat jackers but I know there are many more like me out there (I’ve seen you, bucko!). Hey, if we can have cat cafes for the feline obsessed, why not a clinic for a cure? If they existed, my family would probably commit me, pronto.

But first – one more hit of TaoZen before I go:

Other stuff:

STFU Parents is HILARIOIUS! If you want to learn more about mommyjacking and “parentsplaining”, this is going to crack you up for sure.

I enjoy a good documentary. Here are 12 new ones that look amazing.

Last words of Tupac Shakur. It’s hard to believe he’s been gone almost twenty years.

My homegirl, Victoria Prozan, has a free class on naming products and crafting taglines. It’s this Thursday so sign up now, yo.

And if you are a crafter or a creative, you may want to sign up for Kari Chapin’s free class: Start A Handmade Business. (This brilliance is happening on June 2-4. Get your spot asap!)

What does a girl’s first name say about them? Why is my name never on these lists?

This father filed a restraining order against a five year old who was terrorizing his daughter at school. I say: do it, dad! I cannot believe that the school turned a blind eye to this child’s antics. If a five year old is saying and doing these kinds of things, this is a massive red flag.

Interesting story on what it’s like to grow up in the Playboy mansion from Katie Manzella.

I’m friendly but I’m also an introvert. Here are six things introverted women do right. Huzzah for quiet ones!

This teen got ejected from a prom because gross middle aged men got turned on. Why were those pervs not ejected instead?

Loved this: why my husband told me to stop wearing sweatpants. (I live in yoga pants.)

Food expert Michael Pollan declares “gluten free” as a fad.

On my reading list for summer: Yours for Eternity: A Love Story on Death Row. I cannot wait for this book to come out!

What I’m Grateful For:

A glittery octopus pendant from my husband

Green leaves

Daily walks

Soldiers

Slow cookers