The Hit List - The old friend zone

Getting older means wrinkles, gray hair, candy dishes, and wisdom. It also means a smaller social circle. In the past few years, mine has shrunk. This is partly due to some friends passing away. Two in the last year alone. It’s surreal to think I’ll never talk to them again. As much as that sucks, it’s to be expected. After all, we are living on borrowed time.

Another reason is general busyness. While retirement looms large, I’m up to my eyeballs in writing, family, and caregiving – this leaves almost no time to hobnob with pals. Most of the people I love are just as busy, so we get it. “Hanging out” is a luxury.

Sometimes people drop off for other reasons. For example, a move can be a friendship ender.

But there is another thing that contributes to a decrease: discernment.

Over the years, we tend to collect friends from various places. That old high school buddy you bonded with over music back in the day. The club hoppers from the party circuit. The coworkers from that shitty job. Old lovers you couldn’t bear to cut ties with because you want to be “nice.” Frenemies. Peers with zero chemistry, but hey, you’re in the same industry! A mutual friend of a friend. The person you forgave but probably shouldn’t have. An exhausting, toxic individual with a sob story you always seem to be helping through one crisis or another – and then must walk on eggshells because they like to find scapegoats when their life continues to fall apart. Your ex’s bestie.

At some point, there comes the day when you realize: we have nothing in common, we barely speak, and maybe we don’t actually like each other. The relationship is no longer healthy or sustainable. You’ve outgrown them. Or maybe they never really deserved a place setting at your table.

When that day comes, you must choose. Do I keep this going? If so, why?

If you don’t have good answers to your why, then that’s your answer. It’s okay to cut ties, even with long-term alliances. I’ve had to close the door on a few this past year, some due to politics. Another lost to an egregious abuse of my kindness. None of this has been easy.

But quality over quantity matters. Life is too short to spend with obligatory relationships and false friends with funky agendas. A small, curated circle of kind, honest peeps is better than a massive assembly with no genuine connection. Choose wisely.

Theresa

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