Your Astro-Guide To Livin’ Large!

Read to move from busta to balla but not sure how? Wonder where you need to boss up so people learn to respect yo’ fresh?

Even the hopelessly clueless can have a chance to up their game and rock their cred with this handy astro-guide to livin’ large.

If you’re a little bit shy on bread, no worries – each astro-tip has a cheap alternative (conveniently located in parentheses!). Kick back, find your sign and start upgrading your game today!

Aries: Aries got a rep to maintain and they know it. That’s why they usually look all fly ‘n stuff with their hairdo’s. You guys know you rule the head, right? It’s important to keep your hair tight and your grill all shiny. Get the digits of the best hair dresser in your hood and stay on top of the current trends. And don’t forget some tooth whitening. After all, a mack daddy needs to be able to flash a grin. This tells the world that you have arrived! (Low baller version: some Crest whitening strips can take care of the grill problems. For your hair, check out a local beauty school and let those newbies treat you right. Psst they have to or they might get an F!)

Taurus: You know you bulls are considered one of the most materialistic signs of the zodiac, right? Most Tauruses have no problem attracting the dollah bills or spending it on their creature comforts. And nothing makes a Taurus more happy than a damn good meal. Get yerself to a red hot restaurant and treat yo self to a fancy pants meal. Get all foodie ‘n stuff and don’t settle for the seat by the toilet. Act like you own dat place. (Low baller version: if the hottest spot in town is too damn costly for your tastes, cook something exotic at home and serve that grub on some plates. Ditch the paper ones, yo!)

Gemini: No one likes to communicate as much as you, chatterbox. Make sure you’re talking in style with an up-to-date cell phone. And that shizz needs to be blinged out to the maxx so break out your wallet and show your phone some respect with a hot cover (I’ve got a funky ass Hello Kitty one! Chea!). When you are out in public, wave that sucka around and talk loud so everyone sees how rad and important you are. (Low baller version: can’t afford a new phone? Get a new cover and paste some little crystals on it and then shut yo’ mouth about it. Instant swag!)

Cancer: You’re the homebody of the zodiac so that means you need to put your energy into having the dopest crib of all. Sleek design, plush seating, loads o’ flowers in every room. Make that place like a mini palace, dawg. And let’s not forget a bottle of some fine ass bubbly always on reserve. Now that is like a boss! (Low baller version: clean your room, man. Don’t be getting all hoardy. No self respecting playa is a slob.)

Leo: You Leos never have a problem when it comes to swag. Hell, you’re practically the Liberaces of the zodiac. So treat yo’ self to some fresh bling once in a while. A new chain, some diamond crusted grillz or fab new threads. Put it all on and then twirl around in front of a mirror so you can see how fabulous you are, darling. (Low baller version: clean and press your clothes. Throw out the crap with holes in it unless you can find a way to make that look on purpose like Rhianna ‘n stuff.)

Virgo: The healthiest nut of all the signs, you Virgos like to roll deep and deep cleanse. Get yourself one of those killer Vitamixes and start blending some organic produce, yo. While you’re grinding those fruits and veggies, make your appointments with your masseuse, therapist, nutritionist and yoga teacher. Looking this healthy ain’t cheap, dawg. (Low baller version: buy a juice blend at the local grocery store and pop in a Rodney Yee DVD. You’ll still be all glowy and stuff – and no one needs to know!)

Libra: Libras always look good. Even the ugly ones manage to pull that shizz off and somehow look like a rock star. Why? They have taste. So Libra, trust that you know how to kill it like nobody else. How you can ball: stay true to your mad style. Set trends. Baby, you ARE a trend. Everyone wants to be as gorgeous as you. Own that. (Low baller version: if you don’t have that legendary Libra class, grab a copy of Tim Gunn: A Guide to Quality, Taste and Style (Tim Gunn’s Guide to Style). Let that be your new bible.)

Scorpio: There is one place where Scorpio is the biggest playa of all – and that’s the bedroom. No one is sexier that a Scorp so therefore, you need to have a luxe lair that screams sex: satin sheets, a big ole bed (with posts preferably), fuzzy handcuffs, a wine rack stocked with the best vinos around – get the picture? Think Hefner’s grotto for inspiration. When you go this big, you will want to go home! (Low baller version: you can get some decent bed swag at Kmart now that Martha Stewart is hanging there. Turn the lights down low and no one will be the wiser.)

Sagittarius: You’re the jetsetter of the zodiac, Sagittarius. Time to up your game and quench your wanderlust with first class seats, four star hotels, limo service and some killa Louis Vuitton luggage. Exotic locations are a must for you. Prague, Bali, Hawaii – get yourself to a corner of the world that feels mysterious and chillaxing. Then be sure to put those pictures on Facebook so everyone can be all envious ‘n stuff. (Low baller version: take a mini road trip to a nearby city you like. See some sights and act all touristy. Wear Bermuda shorts if you can pull ‘em off.)

Capricorn: Capricorns mean business, even when they are not doing business. But we know that no one does business as well as you Cappies. So why not elevate your biz shizzle with a slick new bag? I’m envisioning Prada or Coach with enough space for your electronics and busy business stuff. Walk around with a serious look on your face as you carry that stuff around. Everyone will part like the red sea and think “wow that person must be successful”. (Low baller version: you can find nice bags and business cases at your local TJ Maxx if you are willing to be a digger. If you hate that thought, get on ebay and make some bids.)

Aquarius: If you are born under the sign of Aquarius, you’re a peace and love ‘n brotherhood type of gal or guy. In that spirit, why not join a good cause and spread some of your special mojo? Better yet, get passionate about a cause and then create your own revolution. Yeah baby – be the face for the new save the slugs campaign and raise some awareness! (Low baller version: donate to a local charity. A few dollah bills or some gently used threads – it’s all good and appreciated. Not sure about a charity? Then give your broke ass relative a helping hand. You’ll still feel good and be looking quite charitable to your fam.)

Pisces: Pisces are mystical types so a month at an ashram (in an exotic locale of course) will silence your cranium and help you to be more blissful ‘n spiritual. Make sure you look the part too – I’m talking an elegant caftan topped with some sort of head gear like a turban. Look the part and rock your third eye! (Low baller version: can’t make it to an ashram? Practice a silent retreat at home, yo. That means no tv, no computer, no Twitter, no talking. Shut off the noise and try not to go nuts in the process.)

Here’s to your new up-bossed life, playas!

Theresa

image from stock photography